How do I do this , father? How can I trust you when I feel that the only thing I’ve ever wanted with all of my heart beside a relationship with you , has been ripped violently away from me… from us … how do I trust you in tragedy?
I can’t , that’s how …… these thoughts have been in my head since 4pm Saturday January 18th , When just 8 days after we rejoiced over a miraculous positive pregnancy test… we lost it.. The joy was over in such a short amount of time I wasn’t even able to process what was happening. We were on top of the world planning and naming, daydreaming of what he or she would be like … what color will their room be ? Where will they sleep in the beginning? We wont be able to bear to be away from them so we will use the bassinet that has been in the family since my grandmother was born in 1915 …. will we homeschool ? What about vaccinations? We were so excited and in a few hours an ultrasound and a blood test , it was over. Our baby was dead… we don’t understand and This hurts so much…..
Let me back up and explain what I mean when I say “I can’t trust him” because that may seem very concerning to other Christians, I know it would concern me if a brother or sister said this. John 15:5 says “I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.” Jesus said “you can do nothing” that includes trusting God … without the Holy Spirit of God who raised Jesus from the dead I CAN DO NOTHING .. that is a gift of the Holy Spirit , and God sent his spirit the moment I saw the physical evidence that my answered prayers were dead….. we were engulfed by the love of God , we were held and comforted in that very moment. Sadly in the past My Go to is to get angry with God sometimes over small things and this was the biggest thing of my life , the largest heartbreak, the most painful thing I’ve ever endured and all I could say was “PRAISE GOD HE IS GOOD AND RIGHT AND TRUE “
That was not me, that was the grace and mercy of a loving father who is sovereign and has every single thing in the Palm of his hand, the one who holds our hearts as they break , and puts them back together By the power of his word, and has caught every tear of this life and this miscarriage…
Psalm 56:8 “you keep track of all my sorrows
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.”
Again, we are back to we don’t have to understand but we just have to trust that the same God who knitted our baby together in my womb , has them now and knows better than we do. We rejoice that our baby was made for glory and not this earth… that the moment they left my womb they were BORN in the presence of Jesus Christ and by his blood we will see them soon, in heaven. PRAISE GOD HE IS GOOD AND RIGHT AND TRUE !
Isaiah 55:8-9 For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
HE is God and we are not…the author of time.. the alpha and the omega! He knows what He is doing although It still hurts and I’m sure it will for a long time , but not for one moment have we been angry with God , not for one moment have we blamed God. We have asked questions , that may never be answered this side of heaven …. but the power of God has gifted us peace in this storm of confusion and pain… that is not of ourselves but of the spirit of the living God because we are not able ! We can do nothing without him.
I could say a million things but I will leave with this thought. No matter what you go through, no matter how hard, Deuteronomy 31:6 says “Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” We know this is true because we experienced it and ARE experiencing it. He never left , we are not forsaken , he didn’t do this to hurt us , but to mold us and teach us. He knows what we don’t know and his ways are perfect. God does not make any mistakes! We are so loved and in awe of who God is in this experience. He’s Good, before this , during this , after this and forever.
Job 13:15 Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him.
Thank you father for answering our prayers. We are parents of a baby in Heaven! Thank you for the love you poured over us as we sat in the emergency room and as we drove the hour home in tears … thank you for holding us close as we went to bed and woke up and every second in between… thank you for bringing us closer to you and one another than ever before … you are good and right and true…. we trust you by YOUR power , not our own. We cling to you and praise your name no less than we did before , but MORE … in the name of Jesus Christ , amen.