1 Samuel 1:9-11
So Hannah rose up after they had eaten in Shiloh, and after they had drunk. Now Eli the priest sat upon a seat by a post of the temple of the Lord.
10 And she was in bitterness of soul, and prayed unto the Lord, and wept sore.
11 And she vowed a vow, and said, O Lord of hosts, if thou wilt indeed look on the affliction of thine handmaid, and remember me, and not forget thine handmaid, but wilt give unto thine handmaid a man child, then I will give him unto the Lord all the days of his life, and there shall no razor come upon his head.
I’ve thought of Hannah many nights long after my husband has drifted off to sleep and I’m awake with thoughts swirling, pillow wet, and hurt that gouges my heart so deep, it’s literally sore….mainly of age, time, confusion, anger and WHY … Father , why? So many times I ask why?
I wonder if Hannah was ashamed and embarrassed, or if she felt the restriction of time, as I do…The guilt of being the roadblock to what the person you love more than anyone on earth desires… not to mention the daydreams of watching them fulfill that … or pretending you don’t know they comfort you even when they have disappointment they don’t share, because they love you .. We (women) were made for this right? How can I be a whole woman, and be broken…and Why? The window is closing and time is running out ..I wonder, did the “Why” come back to haunt Hannah over and over?…What did I do , father ? Are you angry with me? Is my past too dirty ? Do you really love me? Did you forget about me?
God, Can you hear me? Please tell me, Why……
Hannah, Ive read your story over and over, I wished so much to have your outcome.. I’ve cried into my pillow, trying to put my makeup on, in the shower, at work, in the grocery store, when the other woman is buying clothes to accommodate her growing bump… naming him or her… or the one who has severed the life God blessed her with … it hurts… why?
Does the Why need to be answered ? No, Some why’s will never be answered on this earth and I’m left to remember these words in Deuteronomy 31:8 And the LORD, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed.
HE GOES BEFORE ME
He has never left. He has never failed. He never will. Romans 8:28 tells us “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” ALL things….even infertility.. HE knows it hurts , HE knows I cry , HE knows I don’t understand and HE holds my tears … psalms 56:8 “You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?
I serve the author of time , I serve the one who walked off to the cross so that we can walk free.. I serve the one who created the earth, created man, then came to earth to stand in the gap for the sins of man and my “Why”. I don’t have to know why I have to know HIM. I may cry 1,000,000 more tears, all of which He will catch… I may feel that gut wrenching pain, I may wish it were different , but I’m done asking why… the why is for HIM to reveal, if HE sees fit because HE is good , HIS ways are above my own, HIS ways are perfect… all I have to do is trust him and know that the “why” was decided for HIS Glory. Let HIM have that… the Glory.. I’m handing over my “Why” tonight.. Glory to God.
Galatians 1:5 To God be the glory forever and ever! Amen.
The Concrete Rosebud 
All I can say, Lizzie, is I love your heart.
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Your vulnerability is therapeutic. We all have that why concerning something dear to us. And though we know Yah is faithful, we still have those pillow soaked nights. Praying for you Lizzie.
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Liz, we gave up trying after years of no pregnancy. The trips to the fertility Dr were super stressful on my wife. Then 12 yrs on, out of the blue, she found herself pregnant with what turned out to be our only child. Sometimes, the answer is, “wait, you are not ready yet.” Sometimes, it it,”I have a child for you already born. You need to bring into your family.” Sometimes, it’s both.
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God bless you Bruce. You are blessed. He’s good!
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Why is sometimes a mystery that doesn’t get an answer until we meet Jesus face to face. In Hannah’s case God’s plan was set in motion for her to have Samuel. Did you ever think that God’s plan for you is to adopt a child that needs a good family. Think about it, lots of people have their own, but how many are blessed to raise someone else’s throw away? You life has changed to focus on him. He has not only saved you but matured you for motherhood. I believe his purpose is to put a motherless child in your arms. It will happen.
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Dave thank you for this. I believe this may be his why! Love you my brother.
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Over the past few months, I’ve been lifted up by your posts Lizzy. You are truly a beautiful daughter of God…inside and out.
My hope is that I can somehow lift you up with these words. God knows the desire of your heart. In your moments of anguish, sing praises to your Heavenly Father and allow Him to fill your heart with peace and joy. And know this…God will give you the desire of your heart!
I’m praying for you Lizzy!
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Brenda thank you for your encouragement, and the prayers. We will keep you in ours as well. LORD BLESS YOU!
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Lizzie, a beautiful composition.
You immediately reminded me of the first five verses of Psalm 84:
1 How lovely is your dwelling place,
Lord Almighty!
2 My soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and my flesh cry out
for the living God.
3 Even the sparrow has found a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may have her young—
a place near your altar,
Lord Almighty, my King and my God.
4 Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
they are ever praising you.
5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.
Blessed are you, Lizzie, whose purity the Lord desires for His dwelling place..
The Lord bless you and lift you up, as you humble yourself in His sight !
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Thank you rick! Such a beautiful reminder of the mighty God we serve.
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Beautiful. It is sad to say, but a broken heart is often a most tender heart.
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This broken heart is joy … it’s the hardened heart I don’t miss 🙏🏻
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Bless you. I’m a mama of two gorgeous young men. Neither were planned, although I was married to their father. My children suffered a great deal. Among other things, their little lives were broken by custody battles and conflict that children should know nothing about. They were raised in church and Sunday school and youth group, but my oldest will not discuss the love of Jesus with me now. He’s hardworking & hard playing and he “likes his life right now.” My youngest, 23 has serious emotional problems, likely schizophrenia from long term drug abuse. In and out of jail. No ability to work. He became a father 5 months ago and has seen his child 3 times for less than 10 hours, once from behind glass. It breaks a mother’s heart. So I want to encourage you to understand, as this world continues to grow darker and parents have less and less control over what their babies are exposed to, Im thankful I’m not raising children today and pray daily for my grandson. I don’t presume to know His reasons and I am so very sorry.
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