1 Samuel 1:9-11
So Hannah rose up after they had eaten in Shiloh, and after they had drunk. Now Eli the priest sat upon a seat by a post of the temple of the Lord.
10 And she was in bitterness of soul, and prayed unto the Lord, and wept sore.
11 And she vowed a vow, and said, O Lord of hosts, if thou wilt indeed look on the affliction of thine handmaid, and remember me, and not forget thine handmaid, but wilt give unto thine handmaid a man child, then I will give him unto the Lord all the days of his life, and there shall no razor come upon his head.
I’ve thought of Hannah many nights long after my husband has drifted off to sleep and I’m awake with thoughts swirling, pillow wet, and hurt that gouges my heart so deep, it’s literally sore….mainly of age, time, confusion, anger and WHY … Father , why? So many times I ask why?
I wonder if Hannah was ashamed and embarrassed, or if she felt the restriction of time, as I do…The guilt of being the roadblock to what the person you love more than anyone on earth desires… not to mention the daydreams of watching them fulfill that … or pretending you don’t know they comfort you even when they have disappointment they don’t share, because they love you .. We (women) were made for this right? How can I be a whole woman, and be broken…and Why? The window is closing and time is running out ..I wonder, did the “Why” come back to haunt Hannah over and over?…What did I do , father ? Are you angry with me? Is my past too dirty ? Do you really love me? Did you forget about me?
God, Can you hear me? Please tell me, Why……
Hannah, Ive read your story over and over, I wished so much to have your outcome.. I’ve cried into my pillow, trying to put my makeup on, in the shower, at work, in the grocery store, when the other woman is buying clothes to accommodate her growing bump… naming him or her… or the one who has severed the life God blessed her with … it hurts… why?
Does the Why need to be answered ? No, Some why’s will never be answered on this earth and I’m left to remember these words in Deuteronomy 31:8 And the LORD, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed.
HE GOES BEFORE ME
He has never left. He has never failed. He never will. Romans 8:28 tells us “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” ALL things….even infertility.. HE knows it hurts , HE knows I cry , HE knows I don’t understand and HE holds my tears … psalms 56:8 “You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?
I serve the author of time , I serve the one who walked off to the cross so that we can walk free.. I serve the one who created the earth, created man, then came to earth to stand in the gap for the sins of man and my “Why”. I don’t have to know why I have to know HIM. I may cry 1,000,000 more tears, all of which He will catch… I may feel that gut wrenching pain, I may wish it were different , but I’m done asking why… the why is for HIM to reveal, if HE sees fit because HE is good , HIS ways are above my own, HIS ways are perfect… all I have to do is trust him and know that the “why” was decided for HIS Glory. Let HIM have that… the Glory.. I’m handing over my “Why” tonight.. Glory to God.
Galatians 1:5 To God be the glory forever and ever! Amen.